Cutting the strings...

Here is todays topic:  Fat Pants

If you don't know what I mean when I say Fat Pants, then quite frankly I am not sure why you are hanging out at the banana stand because we could never be friends.

Even if you're fat pants are a size 8...which is up from your normal size 6 because of your natural (perhaps "irrational") love of arugula salad spritzed with lime… most people understand the Fat Pants concept.

But just for the purpose of common understanding… Fat Pants are the one thing in your closet that you know are going to ALWAYS fit. They often come with elastic/stretchy waist bands and are made with some degree of spandex to allow a little extra give. They are often worn with longer shapeless type shirts/sweaters.

It doesn't matter if you are bloated and retaining water.  It doesn't matter if you ate your weight in pizza, chinese or mexican food.  It doesn't matter if it is the day after the Super Bowl or Thanksgiving or your 3rd Christmas Dinner in 12 hours… Fat Pants are comfy and they ALWAYS fit.

ALWAYS

Until they don't.

At which point you vow to lose a few pounds.

Maybe you do.

Maybe you don't.

If you don't.  You hang your head and visit the nearest clothing store where you buy a single pair of pants in the next size.  You swear you are not going to be this size very long but realize that you cannot continue to bungee cord your pants shut, so you buy one pair of pants for work/school, whatever.

These become your new Fat Pants and your old Fat Pants become the goal pants that you hope to get back into someday.

Then you realize these new pants are comfortable, and because you cannot wear the same pair of pants/jeans to work for several days in a row, you go buy 2-3 more of these pants in the same style but different basic work colors.  A khaki, a black, a grey… maybe you shake things up with a navy.

The cycle continues… it is like being stuck on a spiral playground slide to hell and self loathing.

Until one day you hit the bottom and, while dizzy and disoriented, you determine no more.

To be honest, I have been adjusting to this new gluten/dairy/yeast free diet for a few weeks now.  It isn't as hard as I thought it would be.  While I do miss a few things, when I unintentionally have something I have cut out (like the soy/wheat that was in this protein drink I had the other day) my stomach hates me.  Knowing that is the consequence of having these foods makes it easier to avoid them.

But I haven't had that "I am losing weight" feeling that often comes when I go on some crazy diet.

I know this isn't a "crazy diet" it is a lifestyle change and slow and steady wins the race… yeah, yeah, yeah I get it.

But as a lifelong crash dieter I know there is always a day when I wake up, having deprived myself of some major food group for a few days, or having consumed a glass of unsweetened grapefruit juice before every meal (yes I have done this) and I  wake up and just feel thinner.

I know it is fleeting, I know it is not healthy, I know it was probably all water, but regardless of all of that… that "thinner" feeling was motivating in the short term and kept me going until my body revolted and said "stop with the damn grapefruit juice or cabbage diet!!"

That hasn't happened with this.  There has been no magical moment where the sky opens up, the sun seems to shine just on me as the wind blows softly through my hair as I run like a gazelle through the streets of Elmwood.

I am sure I am healthier than I was a month ago.  I know I feel better.  I am assuming I have lost a few pounds but since I have determined I will not step on a scale this year, I don't know how much.  So I have to look for other measures.

Today I was getting dressed for work and grabbed a pair of pants.  I was pleasantly surprised when I realized they had become not only Fat Pants, but more like clown pants.  They looked borderline ridiculous and I took them off and changed.

I hung them back in my closet, put on something else and headed to work.  As I was driving I was feeling good that I was seeing some results even without that "magical" feeling.  Then I started to wonder…. why did I hang them back up?

(Side note, Todd is probably wondering this too.  He is probably worried something is wrong with me because hanging things back up is not my strength.)

Why did I hang them back up?  I put them back in there knowing they no longer fit but somewhat celebrating that I have a new pair of MEGA Fat Pants.

Honestly?

I put them back so that I have them to fall back in to when I fail.

They are my safety net.

That's the truth.  40 years of history and failure tells me this time will be no different.

Those "truth's" we tell ourselves are hard to change.  Harder than a lifestyle related to food choices.  That internal subliminal message is harder to silence.

I am getting rid of those pants this weekend.  I am cleaning out any clothes that are too big or make me feel fat and dumpy.  The clothes that I wear when I am the most disgusted and disappointed in myself and my health.

This does not mean I am scrapping all my black yoga pants.  Please I'd be naked if I did that and I don't want to be arrested or scare people.

It does mean that the steelers t-shirt that is 15 years old and could be used as a pop up tent for small children has to go.

I am cutting the strings on my safety nets as a way to let myself know failure cannot happen.  Going back is not an option.

Only forward.

Only healthier.

I think we all have safety nets in some way.  Even if yours does not deal with weigh issues, everyone has their own version of Fat Pants.  Anyone want to join me in doing some spring cleaning of these items this weekend?  What will you unload as a statement of declaring you are only moving forward and failure is not an option?

Care to share?