Like sands through the hourglass…

How many of you can finish that sentence!? Brings me right back to the TV lounge of Simmon's Hall on Penn State's campus in the 90's.  The days of our lives… how quickly they slip right by.  

But there is a BIG day coming up...Meg’s 8^th birthday.  She loves her birthday.  Actually she loves ANY birthday or ANY reason to have a party that includes cake and ice cream.  She loves having people together and, I know you will find this hard to believe, she usually loves to be the center of attention.  She talks about her birthday year round, so I have to be sure that when the actual date arrives, I don’t let her down.  I am working on putting her party together (Theme - Princesses and Pancakes) and reminiscing on the past 8 years on this journey as Meg’s mom. 

In some ways I hardly recognize the person I was before Meg.… the person who walked in to the hospital 8 years ago not knowing anything about the child I was going to have.  I am one of the dying breed who refuses to know the gender before the delivery.  Little did I know the gender was not the biggest surprise in store for us that day.

Here is how July 5, 2006 went…

6:30 am - Settle in room

Pitocin started

The Cosby Show

Contractions

Sudoku

Labor

Issues with baby’s heart rate

Lay in strange positions to help with heart rate

I say "Meds now?"

I exclaim "What do you mean it is now too late for meds!?!"

Pushing

Crying

Pushing

Baby crying

2:20 p.m - “It’s a girl”

Crying

Not pinking up, looking dusky

New Dr’s in the room

Looking better

First holds and cuddles

She’s perfect

Baby to nursery for check up and clean up

Called family

“great news”

I got settled in new room

Celebration

Resident knocks

“Good news” he says “baby does not have heart condition!”

We celebrate
“You really dodged a bullet” he continues “most children with Down Syndrome have a heart condition.  You are lucky!”

Silence

World stops spinning

Silence

“Down Syndrome?!?”

Silence

Questioning

Crying

Resident freezes “yes…. I, um…. You didn’t know.  I am so sorry.  I will get my boss”

Resident backs out of the room.

Life as I know it ends.

New life begins

So as I think about that person who was adjusting to this news I wish I could go back and tell her some things.  I wish I could give her a glimpse of what is to come.  I’ve been thinking about these lessons and realize at many times of my life they would have been helpful.  So maybe if I write them now they will be LIFE CHANGING to the person I will be in 10 minutes when I am done writing!!  I can hope, right?! 

Things I would say:

“Congratulations”  You’ve dreamt of a daughter and now you have one!

“Hey Anne, Get over yourself” – True Confession - one of my biggest regrets in life is that there was a moment when I did not want to be Meg’s mom.  When, after the news of her diagnosis, I had the very real thoughts of “I don’t want to do this” and “This wasn’t suppose to happen to me”.  Well Anne if not you, then who in the hell WAS it suppose to happen to?!?!  Life is messy, heartbreaking and hard and beautiful, easy and rewarding. You’re not entitled.  You don’t get to pick only the “good” from that menu.  You signed up to be a mom.  Chances are, while you are mourning the loss of the “perfect” child you dreamed of… she is mourning the loss of the “perfect” mother she expected.  Look at that!  Neither of you is “perfect”!  You are a match made in heaven… now quit your ugly crying and embrace this journey together.

“Grasp every hand that is reaching out to you” – I know this will be tough for you.  For many years you have lived with the persona that you have your shit together.  You’ve worn that “I’ve got this” image as a badge of honor.  Well you don’t got this, sister.  The gig is up.  You’re in over your head with this right now and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you will start to build a network of friends and resources that will sometimes overwhelm you.  You have NO IDEA the incredible relationships coming your way.  Some will be current friendships that will deepen and some will enter your life soon.  Let go of your pride and practice two very important phrases “Help me” and “Thank You”.  You will be lucky to learn a great deal of humility on this journey.

“Let go of the hands that are pulling you down” – While some wonderful people will come in to your life, you will also be disappointed in some who walk away.  Not everyone will stay with you on this.  Don’t spend your time chasing them.  Their inability to embrace you and the new makeup of your family is a reflection on their limitations.  And let’s face it… some people are just jerks and the cure for “stupid” has yet to be discovered.  Try not to take it personally and with the ever rising cost of stamps be grateful for one less Christmas card to send.

“People will take their cues from you” – If you define Meg by her diagnosis, others will too.  If you love and accept all the children you’ve been blessed with, then most people will as well.  If people see you are just raising kids and doing the “normal” family things – going to church, going to school, living in your community – then they will come to see Meg’s involvement as “normal” as well.  But if it is always “hard” for you, if it is all a “production” then people will be scared of including Meg because they will think it is a burden and requires a lot of effort. 

“Learn when it is appropriate to not apologize” – This is tricky, as a former catholic you are very good at saying “I am sorry” dozens of times a day.  Apologize when needed but do not ever feel as though you have to always apologize for your child and/or your decisions.  When you have a child with additional needs you will have different things to consider in your everyday life.  While your choices shouldn’t dictate what others do, you also should not feel bad when the health and safety of your child/family dictate what you need to do.  Make decisions that are best for you, Todd and the kids.  Those who matter will understand, those who don’t… see the paragraph above.  But do not apologize or feel guilty for having to make decisions that are right for you but not with the “majority”.

“Take care of yourself” – Here is the deal – you have a child who is going to need you for a very long time.  The only way you can take care of that child is if you take care of yourself along the way.  30 minutes a day a few times a week can tack on years… dust off your gym shoes and step away from the fritos.

“Move on” – People make mistakes, they are human.  You have enough to do and focus on without the added stress of grudges and hate.  This means it is okay to keep your guard up and some distance with those who have proved to be pulling you down.  What you don’t want to do is relive the past and continue to mentally rehash the same conversations over and over – even if each time you come up with another perfect one liner that leaves that jackhole speechless and fumbling for the apology you certainly deserved!  You don’t have to wish them well, just find the balance between wishing them well and wishing them dead.  I’d quote a popular Frozen title here, but don’t want you to get that song stuck in your head all day.

“Relax” - A good friend once told me that “Problems” are life and death.  Everything else is just an inconvieience.  Good perspective.  Remember that. 

Love. 

Forgive.

Get mad.

Dream.

Hug.

Work hard.

Cry. 

Laugh.

Praise.

Pray.

Believe in yourself.

The Psychic Hotline

I read this many years ago and it has always stuck with me…

The Traveler and the Farmer

A traveler between towns stops and asks a farmer what the people are like in the next town.

“What were they like in the town you came from?” the farmer asks.

“Rotten,” the traveler says. “Selfish, lazy, untrustworthy. Couldn’t wait to leave them behind.”

“Unfortunately, that’s what you’ll find in the next town too,” the farmer says.

Soon, another traveler comes along with the same question, and the farmer asks what the people were like in the town he came from.

“Incredible,” the second traveler says. “Good and kind and generous. I will miss them.”

“That’s what you’ll find in the next town too,” the farmer says.

Here is what this says to me: “You will always find what you are looking for… in people, in life, in the world in which we live.”

We had a great Mother’s Day weekend. (with the exception of Noah leaving an impression (a.k.a his breakfast) on his sister, the car door and the ground at mile marker 76 of I-74 on Saturday morning) It was a beautiful weekend spent with the family.  Like the true hillbillies my nephew Luke believes we are, we camped in our driveway (because we didn’t want to be too far from home should Noah have a repeat of the mornings events) went fishing and took a long hike.  The weekend was what EVERY weekend SHOULD be – a celebration of ME, complete with me setting the agenda, not doing dishes, and having the children I created celebrate and wait on ME.  Perfect.

Monday morning, still somewhat in a blissful dreamy state I am curled up in my bed with Meg (who graces us with her presences every night about 2 am).  We are as snuggled tight, so intertwined that I am not sure where I stop and she begins in this cool room under fluffy blankets.  I take in the lavender smell of her freshly washed hair and feel it so soft next to my cheeks.  I love these moments… it is exactly what I think motherhood should be. 

In her soft sleepy voice I hear her whisper 3 little words:

“Mom, I pee.”

And then I feel it.  A warm blanket of liquid that seems to dampen every piece of me. 

“No, no, no GET UP!” I yell as I push her out of bed and try to mitigate the damage and amounts of laundry this leaking child is creating. 

She stands there rubbing her sleepy eyes looking at me.  “GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW!”  I say.

Her response:  “I just did” 

She is right, she did just go to the bathroom.  It simply wasn't where I would have preferred she go.

There is nothing left to say and beds to strip …and so my Monday begins.

I roll out of bed and look at my calendar.  Meetings, Dr appointment, workout, errands, reports that have to be done…. and now laundry.  The mental grumbling begins.

“I don’t want to deal with that today.” 

“The grocery store again?  I am sick of grocery shopping” 

“I don’t want to exercise”

In my head I hear the same annoying whining I often tell my kids to stop.  I momentarily wonder where they get it?  Todd, I tell myself.

And then I remember the famer and the traveller.  I decide I need to check my pre-determined outlook towards all these things. 

The reality is the events of my day need to happen.  HOW they happen is dependent upon my attitude. 

I have to go to meetings.  If I go in thinking “ugh, worst meeting ever I don’t want to be here” chance are I will leave the worst. meeting. ever.

I have to exercise.  If I think “worst 40 minutes of my day” it will probably feel more like 400 long and painful minutes.

Here is what I understand.  When I go into something thinking it is going to be awful - 100% of the time I find something awful about it. 

It is like I am one of those workers for a 1-900 Psychic hotlines who has an “amazing ability” to predict the future!

But it is not very often that I got into a situation thinking “This is gonna suck” that I walk away thinking “woo hoo that was awesome!” 

So, I am not “predicting” the future as much as I am using my attitude to shape my experience. 

If I have made up my mind that I am going to hate someone or something - I will find a reason to "justify" my pre-determined attitude.  Sometimes that reason won’t even be hard to find because bad things are bad people are a part of life. 

But good things are good people are also a part of life. 

So if I think of myself as the traveller, knowing I will always find what I am looking for in others, in situations, in my day I need to decide: What am I going to take the time to look for? 

Knowing time is a gift and a limited resource - I choose to look for good.  I won’t say this is always easy, but I see it as the only alternative.

Summer is coming… some days it will be hard to leave for work every day while my kids plan their daily adventures with Todd.  I can choose to grumble or I can be grateful that my kids get to spend their days with an involved dad who is creative and loving. 

Students are graduating and changes are happening on the hilltop.  I can choose to mourn for the “good old days” or celebrate the fact that my path ever crossed with some of these folks and be open to the new students and staff I will encounter.

I literally got pee’d on yesterday.  I can be annoyed by the experience and angry with Meg or I can appreciate a child who loves to cuddle with her mamma and the feel of freshly washed sheets.

I always find what I am looking for…  I am making to decision to look for joy.  That isn't sitting back and viewing the world through "rose colored glasses".  It is a conscious choice to actively seek the good in all things and people.

What are you looking for today?  Let me know if you find it.

Are We There Yet?!?!?!?

Well in January when I started this blog I said I was going to do a 1/2 marathon in Nashville in April.  Last weekend I met that goal.  You can do a LOT of thinking during a 13.1 mile walk through the streets of Nashville.

Here are some of the thoughts I had…

Pre-race:

• Standing in my corral of people at 6:45 am.  "Nashville is beautiful.  I am seriously in love with this city.  It is like a big small town.  People are friendly, it is clean, lots to do.  I need to come back here."
• The first wave of runners left the starting line at 7 am.  It is now 8:06 am and I am still waiting for my wave, wave 36, to go.  I am really tired of standing here knowing what is ahead. 

Wave 36 is released:

• Everyone around me is running.  I should run too!
• Okay, now that the lady ahead of me is walking I can walk too.  Since now someone else walked first.  Damnit!  She is running again.  I hate that woman. 

Mile 5:

• okay, I am hanging in there.  Only 8.1 to go.  What?  8.1?  I wish I couldn’t do math.
• Another hill…. Why do I feel like all we do is go up hill?  But I can see the top and know that what comes up must come down, right?  Almost there.
• YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F_&%$F KIDDING ME!!  I get to the top of this mother truckin hill to find that we are at only at the bottom of another hill. 
• The Universe hates me.
• Make several zig zags between curbs on this race as I am determined to high five every kid on the race course standing there with their hand out.  Shoot mental daggers at the people in front of me who ignore these little kids who are just trying to be supportive.  Remember you always take whatever a kid is offering… be it a hug, high five, or smile.

10K mark ahead:

• Wait, what?!?!?  Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a 10K option on this race.  Is it too late to switch?

Mile 8 and my feet are killing me (I have some foot issue I won’t bore you with, the bottom line is there is some nerve that causes shooting firery pain).  I stop and take my shoes off and rub my foot.  It helps.

Mile 8.5:

• hmmm… my foot doesn’t have that pain which is good, but it feels like these shoes are rubbing in different places now.  This isn’t good.

Mile 9 I stop again and take my shoes off to find huge blisters on several toes.  Feet swell so much in blistered areas that I can’t tie my shoes.  I can just slip them on.  My only options are quit or limp the remainder of the race.

•  “I have to finish these last 4.1 miles.  I have almost 2 hours.  I can do this.”
• “I have almost 2 hours and have 4 miles to finish.  There is no way I can do this” 

(limp and repeat these two above phrases 1,000,000 times just slowly reducing the mileage and time left)

• I can’t stop.  I have literally come too far to give up.  Plus all that time I spent training and was away from the family, I can’t stop.
• I wonder if there is an oil to make me run faster?!?!?!?  There is an oil for everything else these days surely there has to be an oil for this!!
• Make a mental note to add “hunt down and hurt person who designed this race course” to my bucket list. 
• Why does my Map My Run app say that I have completed 14 miles but this is only mile 12?  Clearly these race people didn’t lay this course out correctly.  :P  This is the worst city on the planet.  I am never coming back here.
• Why do I have friends who convince me to do these things?  I need lazy friends who just get together, sit poolside and enjoy adult beverages for the weekends.   These healthy friends who do exciting things and push me to be a better person… they suck.
•  That 70+ year old woman with perfect hair and little floral jog skirt just came trotting past me.  Really Anne?  You are getting shown up by this much older woman.  You should really be ashamed of how far you’ve let yourself go. 
• That woman is 70… know what that means?  There is always hope I can be better.  I hope when I am 70 I can still be out doing these things.  Today I struggled but I still beat every person who is still in bed at 11 am on this Saturday.
• Person on side of the road smiles and says “YOU ARE ALMOST THERE ONLY ½ MILE LEFT!”  My mental reaction “Go to hell"
• Over this bridge and I am done. 

See friends cheering for me as finish line approaches.  Trying not to cry.  Realize tears might not be due to pain as much as the fact that friends Cara and Lori look like they just walked out of a salon and not across a 1/2 marathon finish line (they finished around the 2 hour mark).  

• Hate friends for being beautiful and skinny in their running outfits after 13 miles.

Cross finish line, claim medal and collapse onto the first empty piece of shaded curb I can find. 

Exhausted, sore, sunburnt and feeling accomplished I drink some water, go get some lunch and make my way back to the hotel and shower.  While lying on the bed with throbbing feet and overall soreness I scan through facebook to see what other people have to say for the day. 

Find a status that says 

• “Please pray for xxx.  Their little guys cancer came out of his 3^rd remission on his birthday.  Headed to St. Jude again on Monday.”

Glance at the medal next to me. See the St. Jude logo. Know this race was a St. Jude fundraiser.  Think of all the people who ran/walked past me wearing shirts that said “in memory of…”

Give thanks to God for not only getting me through the race (because he is the only thing that did) but for giving me 4 healthy kids.  Give thanks that St. Jude exists for those who need it and am grateful that has never been me or my family.

Realize my struggle today is NOTHING compared to those kids facing/experiencing cancer.

Give thanks that I even have the ability to walk for 13.1 miles.  While sore and bruised, I realize that even having the chance to TRY is a complete gift.

Vow that next time I will sign up as a St. Jude hero.  Wait?!?!?  Who said anything about next time…. Clearly I am delusional.

Overall it was a great experience.  I am happy to knock 2 things off my bucket list – complete a ½ marathon and go to the Grand Old Opry.  Would I do it again?  Yes….but right now I am going to shoot more for the 5 – 10K range.

Thanks for all the encouraging messages over the weekend.  I have the best friends.  XOXO

Cutting the strings...

Here is todays topic:  Fat Pants

If you don't know what I mean when I say Fat Pants, then quite frankly I am not sure why you are hanging out at the banana stand because we could never be friends.

Even if you're fat pants are a size 8...which is up from your normal size 6 because of your natural (perhaps "irrational") love of arugula salad spritzed with lime… most people understand the Fat Pants concept.

But just for the purpose of common understanding… Fat Pants are the one thing in your closet that you know are going to ALWAYS fit. They often come with elastic/stretchy waist bands and are made with some degree of spandex to allow a little extra give. They are often worn with longer shapeless type shirts/sweaters.

It doesn't matter if you are bloated and retaining water.  It doesn't matter if you ate your weight in pizza, chinese or mexican food.  It doesn't matter if it is the day after the Super Bowl or Thanksgiving or your 3rd Christmas Dinner in 12 hours… Fat Pants are comfy and they ALWAYS fit.

ALWAYS

Until they don't.

At which point you vow to lose a few pounds.

Maybe you do.

Maybe you don't.

If you don't.  You hang your head and visit the nearest clothing store where you buy a single pair of pants in the next size.  You swear you are not going to be this size very long but realize that you cannot continue to bungee cord your pants shut, so you buy one pair of pants for work/school, whatever.

These become your new Fat Pants and your old Fat Pants become the goal pants that you hope to get back into someday.

Then you realize these new pants are comfortable, and because you cannot wear the same pair of pants/jeans to work for several days in a row, you go buy 2-3 more of these pants in the same style but different basic work colors.  A khaki, a black, a grey… maybe you shake things up with a navy.

The cycle continues… it is like being stuck on a spiral playground slide to hell and self loathing.

Until one day you hit the bottom and, while dizzy and disoriented, you determine no more.

To be honest, I have been adjusting to this new gluten/dairy/yeast free diet for a few weeks now.  It isn't as hard as I thought it would be.  While I do miss a few things, when I unintentionally have something I have cut out (like the soy/wheat that was in this protein drink I had the other day) my stomach hates me.  Knowing that is the consequence of having these foods makes it easier to avoid them.

But I haven't had that "I am losing weight" feeling that often comes when I go on some crazy diet.

I know this isn't a "crazy diet" it is a lifestyle change and slow and steady wins the race… yeah, yeah, yeah I get it.

But as a lifelong crash dieter I know there is always a day when I wake up, having deprived myself of some major food group for a few days, or having consumed a glass of unsweetened grapefruit juice before every meal (yes I have done this) and I  wake up and just feel thinner.

I know it is fleeting, I know it is not healthy, I know it was probably all water, but regardless of all of that… that "thinner" feeling was motivating in the short term and kept me going until my body revolted and said "stop with the damn grapefruit juice or cabbage diet!!"

That hasn't happened with this.  There has been no magical moment where the sky opens up, the sun seems to shine just on me as the wind blows softly through my hair as I run like a gazelle through the streets of Elmwood.

I am sure I am healthier than I was a month ago.  I know I feel better.  I am assuming I have lost a few pounds but since I have determined I will not step on a scale this year, I don't know how much.  So I have to look for other measures.

Today I was getting dressed for work and grabbed a pair of pants.  I was pleasantly surprised when I realized they had become not only Fat Pants, but more like clown pants.  They looked borderline ridiculous and I took them off and changed.

I hung them back in my closet, put on something else and headed to work.  As I was driving I was feeling good that I was seeing some results even without that "magical" feeling.  Then I started to wonder…. why did I hang them back up?

(Side note, Todd is probably wondering this too.  He is probably worried something is wrong with me because hanging things back up is not my strength.)

Why did I hang them back up?  I put them back in there knowing they no longer fit but somewhat celebrating that I have a new pair of MEGA Fat Pants.

Honestly?

I put them back so that I have them to fall back in to when I fail.

They are my safety net.

That's the truth.  40 years of history and failure tells me this time will be no different.

Those "truth's" we tell ourselves are hard to change.  Harder than a lifestyle related to food choices.  That internal subliminal message is harder to silence.

I am getting rid of those pants this weekend.  I am cleaning out any clothes that are too big or make me feel fat and dumpy.  The clothes that I wear when I am the most disgusted and disappointed in myself and my health.

This does not mean I am scrapping all my black yoga pants.  Please I'd be naked if I did that and I don't want to be arrested or scare people.

It does mean that the steelers t-shirt that is 15 years old and could be used as a pop up tent for small children has to go.

I am cutting the strings on my safety nets as a way to let myself know failure cannot happen.  Going back is not an option.

Only forward.

Only healthier.

I think we all have safety nets in some way.  Even if yours does not deal with weigh issues, everyone has their own version of Fat Pants.  Anyone want to join me in doing some spring cleaning of these items this weekend?  What will you unload as a statement of declaring you are only moving forward and failure is not an option?

Care to share?

Be careful what you ask for - You just might get it

Be careful what you ask for - You just might get it!

Never really thought much of this advice until the last 2 weeks.  And what a 2 weeks it has been…

So when I went on the walk (mentioned in this post) with my friend Roni several weeks ago we started talking about her experience with food sensitivity testing.  She had been to see a Dr. in Peoria and had some blood tests done that revealed she was insensitive to certain foods.  Not allergic, just insensitive.  She said learning this information has been invaluable and she has seen very positive results from changing her diet to eliminate foods that give her issues. 

“You should check it out!” she says. 

This is the same friend who dragged me out in sub zero temps to walk when I declared my ½ marathon goal.  I don’t know why I think she has good advice, she had already proven herself crazy!!  But her experience and her outlook on the testing sparked enough of an interest that I decided to check it out.

3 weeks ago I went in to the Dr to learn more about the testing and the services the offer.  I scheduled the blood draw for a health screen and food insensitivities for the next week.  The Nurse said “now eat a variety of foods this week so the test is more accurate.” 

Eating a variety of foods has never been a problem for me… and was glad I was under Dr’s orders to do so J

Next week I went for the blood draw.  I swear they took like 15 tubes of blood. 

Last Tuesday I went in for my results.  In all honesty I was expecting something along the lines of “at this point, given your results, you’re better off scheduling an appointment with the funeral home to make your arrangements now.”  Early diabetes, high cholesterol… I was convinced it was all coming.

To my surprise, none of that was true.  The health side of things checked out well, with the exception of my thyroid which tanked on me many years ago.  I control that was meds.  But no early diabetes, no cholesterol issues.  Major victory…

And then came the food insensitivities.  I silently began to pray

“tell me I am insensitive to green beans.” 

“order me to remove all steamed food from my diet” 

“suggest I eat more preserved foods in an effort to preserve my insides so I might live as long as the twinkie shelf life”

“Well your tests are pretty crazy” she begins. 

I liked where this was going.  I was going to be that ONE person who should not be eating veggies and who needs more fried food in their diet.  I’ve always known I am that person!!!  Finally medical confirmation!!

“Your gut is shredded due to the very high intolerances you have to certain foods.  No wonder you feel the way you do” 

She was referencing my brain fog, lack of energy, daily lower back pain, migraines, restless sleep, inability to lose weight.

“The good news is we have answers and when you have eliminated these foods from your diet, you’re going to feel remarkably better.”

I have no doubt I think… just tell me which veggie or rice cake to trash!!

“Let’s start with your gluten issue.  You have a major gluten issue”

Okay, that wasn’t where I was hoping to start, but I can go there.  So no gluten.  I don’t have celiac, but my body can’t handle gluten.  It is interesting that gluten intolerance is tied to many autoimmune conditions, including MS which is very prevalent in my family.  So if taking gluten out of my diet helps to minimize my risks of these issues in the future then I am okay with that. 

After talking all about the gluten and me really being okay with it, she says “in addition to gluten you have a significant insensitivity to dairy.  You really need to get off all dairy.”

So now crackers and now no cheese?!?!?  Who does this woman think she is telling me these things!!  I LOVE cheese.  All kinds of cheese (except for the kind in can).  I can do without yogurt, I will even give up sour cream and milk but I needed to take a minute to grieve the loss of cheese.

And then, like a boxer just waiting to strike she delivers the final blow…

“But your biggest issue really seems to be in regards to yeast.  You HAVE to remove that from your diet.”

I feel the walls closing in, my throat swelling shut… I am watching this but cannot believe it is happening…

No yeast????  “That means no wine?!?!?”  I say

She confirms

Bitch

First the crackers, then the cheese, now the wine. 

She left me the grapes.  Thanks lady.

I take a minute to let it all be absorbed. 

I begin to curse Roni for suggesting this testing and for me asking for answers when I didn’t really want them.  J

So I leave the Dr, with a box of 1 week of some powered shake mix to help me detox my system and a list of foods I can have.  It is a short list that I can pretty much write on my palm.  I spend the week drinking 2 shakes a day and eating nothing but fruits and veggies. 

I also pack cheese sticks in my kids lunches every day in an effort to get them out of the fridge.  Caleb declares his love for MY salsa jalapeno cheese sticks and asks me to buy more.  I realize he is working with the enemy and declare war on him too.  Hope you enjoy your quinoa gluten free dairy free birthday cake next week buddy.  I will have the last laugh.

And then it happened.  I would say slowly but really it was pretty much overnight…and certainly by the end of the week.

That brain fog I seem to always have where I just can’t focus…. Gone.

That lower back pain that I have dealt with every day for the last 15+ years…. Gone

That restless sleep that I have blamed on the kids…. Gone

That time between 2-4 every day where I want to curl up and take a nap…. Gone

Migraines… Gone (so far)

In the 9 days since I removed all the gluten, dairy and yeast from my diet I have never felt better. 

And the crazy thing is I didn’t realize just how bad I felt.  I knew that I didn’t feel good, but now as things are beginning to change I realize what it is like to actually feel GOOD. 

I also didn’t realize foods that I didn’t think were hurting me were contributing to my issues.   

I didn’t realize that glass of wine was an issue.

I didn’t realize that turkey sandwich on a wheat thin could be causing back pain.

I didn’t realize the greek yogurt I ate each day was contributing to my brain fog.

And I began to celebrate that my weight issues and other ailments might not be due to me being lazy or undisciplined about my health.  That is what people think when they look at me even though I know the time I spend exercising and making good food choices.  It really might be that I have not been eating the right foods for ME.  It was validation.

Validation and motivation… because now that I feel so much better and it is only 9 days I am excited to see what I will feel like when my gut is healed and all my systems are working correctly.

Today I had lunch with a friend.  Her grilled cheese and fries, which would have been mouthwatering a few weeks ago, weren’t even the least bit appealing to me.  I know I am just beginning on this journey and there will be lots of ups and downs as I figure out this new way of eating.  But I have to trust that the downs will be a lot easier to face with this new energy and pain free body.

I know many have had experiences with gluten and/or dairy free.  I gladly welcome your advice and support.

Good thing bananas are still on my list… It wouldn’t be as much fun hanging around rambling at a kale or cumquat stand.  J