There is always money in the banana stand!!

Welcome to ramblings from the banana stand!

Where did the name come from?  A quote from one of my favorite tv shows, "there is always money in the banana stand" has become somewhat of a joke in my house.  Noah and Caleb have only seen this one episode of Arrested Development, but often at stressful times, to bring a smile to my face, they will say "you know mom, there is always money in the banana stand!"

So "ramblings from the banana stand" came as I was getting the boys to bed last night.  I was trying to think of some inspirational title, something provocative and deep, inspiring in a way that the title alone changes people's lives.  After 90 seconds of thought I realized I couldn't come up with anything great so I deferred to something that seems to suit me more.  Something simple and funny.  What is more simple than a banana stand? And I like to ramble, so I put them together and it just made me smile. I hope this blog will serve as an outlet for thought, frustration, motivation, humor and just day to day ramblings as I embark on this journey through 2014.

While there is no money in this banana stand, hopefully there is something else of value.

2014 is my 40th year on this earth and I am determined to do some things differently.  The first thing I am going to do is perhaps the hardest - I am going to come clean about some thing.  I am going to admit that, for as long as I can remember, I have been in a very abusive relationship.  This relationship is a major reason as to why I am overweight.  It has impacted every accomplishment I have had and kept me from fully enjoying life.

"I got an A on my paper"

"so what, what's an A when you're fat"

"I got asked to the dance"

"he probably couldn't get a better date"

"I got into college"

"better get good grades because you won't have any friends, you're too fat"

"I got into grad school"

"good thing you are smart, you'll never get married"

"I met a wonderful guy who loves me"

"he could never really love you, no one could, you're disgusting"

"I'm having a baby!"

"you will be an embarrassment to his friends"

and on and on and on....

This is only the smallest snippet of the conversations I have been having for years.  Every accomplishment I have ever made, every goal I have dreamed has been destroyed by this one same monster.

The monster?  My scale

Every day the scale that tells me I am worthless.  Every day the scale tells me I am disgusting.  Every day the scale tells me I am not worthy of love and an embarrassment to those around me.  The thing is, I don't even have step on to the thing for it to tell me that.  Just walking past it in the bathroom I hear it whisper "failure" over and over.

I am surrounded by the most loving family and friends a person could dream of.  And all of their encouragement and support is silenced by my scale.

Yesterday I decided enough is enough.  I cannot continue to give the scale any more power.  My self worth cannot continue to be defined by the number I see on that scale.

So I made a resolution for 2014.  I am not stepping on a scale.  Not once.  Not in my bathroom, not at the gym, not at the Dr. (okay, unless it is some crazy emergency in which case I will ask that they not tell me the number).  I am not going to give any power to that number for 1 year and instead I am going to focus on some other numbers and see what happens in my life.  I am going to try this because I know how to be healthy and even when I am completely focused and on track to being healthier, the minute the scale doesn't report what I want it too (a loss, or God forbid a gain) I lose all motivation.  It tells me I am a failure and destined to be overweigh my entire life.  I know plateau's are normal.  I know muscle weighs more than fat.  I know I feel better.  I know my clothes fit better.  I know.  I know.  I know. But NONE of that matters to the scale which continues to ridicule me.

And when this happens I not only fall off the wagon, but I often run down the hill eating every salty chip and m&m in sight.

All because of the power I have given the scale.

So today I reclaim that power.  I told Todd about this last night and in a gesture of complete love and support he removed the scale from the bathroom, and took it to some corner abyss of the basement where one is sure not to find it.  There was no monster waiting for me in the bathroom this morning.  It was just a void where it once was.

A void that will be filled with new numbers.  That will be the next focus of ramblings from the banana stand.  I hope you will join me on this journey to wellness.