I'm sorry...

This blog will only make sense after you read this story… so go read it, I will wait.

To The Woman Who Apologized to Me at the Supermarket

This article resonates with me for several reasons.

First, I am convinced the author is Catholic.  "I'm sorry" is like the rallying cry of catholicism.

"Oh your car broke down this morning?  I'm sorry."

"You have a hangover from those 3 bottles of wine you drank last night? I'm so sorry."

"You don't like the shoes I am wearing? Oh, I'm sorry."

Note these are sincere apologetic sorries, not sarcastic or rude.  I am truly sorry that my choice of footwear is not pleasing to your fashion sense.

Having grown up catholic and attended catholic schools I can say that guilt and overuse of "I'm sorry" (even when we were in no way involved in the situation) are ties that bind all catholics/former catholics/recovering catholics….

On occasion, when I have heard "I'm sorry" used repeatedly in a conversation by the other person, I  have stopped and said "Are you Catholic?" and 99% of the time they say yes.  It is usually a bonding moment for us.

So besides the connection to what I am sure is this mom's faith, I also was connected to the story because of the interactions in the supermarket.  I know when Meg or Alina stop to talk to people (and they often do) I am quick to say "I am sorry" and nudge either/both girls to keep moving.

"I am sorry" that my daughter thought you were interesting enough to approach.

"I am sorry" my daughter cares enough about your life to inquire as to whether or not you have pets (dogs specifically) in your home (one of Meg's favorite topic of conversations)

"I am sorry" that Alina thinks handing you some imaginary pixie dust is important because she wants you to share in the secret she is carrying.

"I am sorry" she interrupted your apparent life altering decision of chocolate chip or butter pecan.

Move along kids, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

My thoughts have always been...

I don't want to disrupt the other persons shopping experience.

They probably are in a hurry

They don't want to take 30 seconds to engage Meg's conversation or Alina's creativity.

or most often…

They are going to judge Meg/Alina and so I am going to stop the interaction before they have a chance.

Move along kids, "so sorry"

The reality of my behavior? I would rather apologize to you for my kids than have to explain and apologize to my kids for your (potential) negative reaction/look of disgust or completely ignoring their attempt to reach out.  I would rather shut you off than heal their hurt from rejection.

Mama bear - always my defense mechanism.

As I reflect on my own behavior in thinking about this story, I have to wonder how many times I have been quick to stop an interaction that was welcomed by the other person?  How many times have my own reservations about how Meg and Alina will be received hindered an opportunity for any of my kids to connect with others?

How many times has my own fear kept others from experiencing the gift of Meg and Alina even through a small interaction?  I say people need to be aware and accepting yet how often have my own behaviors sabotaged my goal of building a strong community for them?

More than I wish it had...

That reservation comes from real experiences of looks of pity in a grocery store or, coincidently, "I'm sorry" as the response to hearing the news that my daughters have Down Syndrome.  I know not everyone understands much less embraces people with disabilities.  I know we, as a society, have a long way to go toward acceptance, awareness and true community.

But many people are already down that path.

Many people do want that connection.  Not everyone ignores Alina's gesture of pixie dust or Meg's inquisitive nature.  Some people embrace it!  Some people share their pixie dust right back or inquire about Megs pets and then listen politely as Meg tells them all about our dog Molly and Uncle Bob's cats.

Some people embrace the gift of a connection and/or relationship… regardless of how this gift is packaged.

To take this one step further, how many times have I let my own fear about how I will be received keep me from reaching out and connecting with others?  How many times have my own insecurities inhibited my efforts to interact and share my times/talents/efforts with a "not yet" friend?

More than I wish it had…

Last week on Facebook I had a friend reach out and through our conversation he said he often lets his fear keep him from taking a step towards a goal or new adventure.  I was somewhat surprised by this because the perception I have of Tom (and granted I don't know him well) is that he is a very kind, smart, patient, caring man with a giant and loving heart.  Someone that I would think anyone would be lucky to cross paths with.  He says he lacks the courage to take a chance.  I look at him and think you don't need too much courage when you clearly have the skills.  However I am not sure he see's himself that way.

I completely understand that lack of courage though, because it is like we both have been saying "I'm sorry, I'll move along" well before anyone else would tell us that.  You can't fail if you don't try, right?

Wrong

Lacking the courage to put yourself out there and take a risk because of your own self doubt and fear of rejection is condition I think many could relate to.

So how do we turn this around?

So what if for just 1 day -  Just 1 trip to Wal-mart -  I didn't inhibit my daughters conversation or sharing of pixie dust?  What if I let them shine their smiles and engage all who were willing?  What if I made no apologies for the time they are trying to share their gifts with others?  Meg and Alina are more than willing to love and accept all who cross their path.  What if I lived with that same boldness?  What if I look at how to make connections with a few people outside my regular circle today?  

If that is too scary, what if you just opened yourself up to any interactions and made a promise to engage whoever reached out to you?  That means you cannot walk through Walmart with earbuds in and your head down.  You have to at least put yourself out there with smile for people who pass you by.

Is anyone at least willing to try this for 1 day and then share how it went?

I am going to try.

I am also going to give thanks that Walmart is open 24 hours because it might take me that long to get my shopping done this next trip since I will probably hear about enough dogs and cats to last a lifetime.

Untouched

I have heard a lot of complaints about the weather, the polar vortex freezing temps and the amount of snow we have gotten this year.  I think most of my friends hate winter.  I respectfully disagree with this opinion.  While I would prefer to not freeze my face off at 3 am when the dog needs to go out, I do appreciate this time of year for many reasons. 

I appreciate the forced stillness of it all.  Summer is always chaotic with ballgames, swimming, bbq’s, vacations, more ballgames, late nights and sweaty kids… until school and football start in August.

Don’t get me started on August… August is the Monday of my year.

Fall brings football and pseudo single parenting, back to school routines, “I forgot my homework” “I need lunch money”  “I haven’t been sick one day all summer but now that mom and dad are both back to work with full calendars I think I have a tummy ache”.  I always feel like it is a whirlwind of activity through the fall and the holidays until it comes to a screeching halt in January. 

BAM!!!  Forced stillness

As the snow falls it coats the roads and screws up traffic and plans and cancels school.  I always think of January as a gentle reminder from heaven to be still, slow down and take a breath of air so cold that you will feel it all the way into your lungs. 

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10 – my favorite.

I reflect on this as I drive to work each morning, 25 miles of back country passing only cows and cornfields.   These past few weeks it has all been covered by a blanket of snow that shows me just where things have been and how much has been left unexplored.

I look and can tell that in the past week where deer have walked through the field by the prints they leave behind.  I can tell where snowmobiles have been, where kids have sled and where cars have gotten stuck.  Anytime someone or something passes through it leaves a footprint in the snow.  I am sort of fascinated by the patterns that are created.

The scene that really makes me think is the pasture I pass with some cows.  I snapped a picture today to give you an idea.  Don’t judge my quick iphone photo… it was -14 degrees and I needed to get to work, so I just stopped for a second.

But here is what intrigues me so much about this particular field.  You can see exactly where the cows have been for the last week.  The field has a fence that gives the cows a fairly big area to move, yet much of it has been untouched since last weeks snow. I know this because the snow is either completely trampled in areas of high traffic or perfect in areas where the cows haven’t ventured.    They stay huddled together and, with the exception of 1 or 2 who sometimes wander a few feet away, the group moves as a pack.  But even when they move as a pack they don’t travel very far.  This past week they have only made use of about 30% of the field they have been given.

30% of what they have been given

So much left untouched.

It makes me think about my life and where I am only using 30% of what I have been given?  Where am I only using 50%?  Where have I been wasting opportunities and not exploring greater areas because I just don’t have the energy to explore?  Or because I don’t make the time?  Or because I fear leaving the safety of the pack? 

So many excuses….

If I am going to be honest (which is the point of this blog, right?) I can say I have been using my body at 50%.  I have wasted opportunities to run and move and stretch…. Because I don’t have the energy, because I don’t make the time, because I really like being cozy in my pj's on the couch, because I fear a change even though the current situation isn’t working - the devil you know is always better than the one you don’t.

I have been exploring my faith at 50%.  I have wasted opportunities to run closer to God and to grow in my walk with him…. Because I don’t have the energy, because I don’t make the time, because I let other things become more of a priority.

I have been focusing on my friends and family at 50%.  I have let minutes, hours, days slip by without reaching out, sending a note of support, a reminder of why they are important to me… because I don’t have the energy, because I don’t make the time in hectic daily schedules, because I get side tracked by facebook, by the news, by a round of words with friends

and there will always be tomorrow….

“tomorrow I will take a long walk”

“tomorrow I will do a devotional” 

“tomorrow I will check in with my mom/dad/sister/brother/best friend…”

Until there isn’t a tomorrow and all that opportunity is gone.

At the end, what will I have to show for the gift of my life?  What will be the return on investment others put into my life through the gift of THEIR time, THEIR efforts and THEIR resources?

Their return better be more than a high score on Ruzzle and the knowledge of what so and so just posted on facebook?  Because if I make the time and energy to focus on these things, then I certainly can make time and energy for family, faith and health. 

Note - I have intentionally used the words “make time” in this post because the phrase “I don’t have time” is incorrect.  We all have time.  In fact, we all have the same amount of time.  The question is what do you “make” time for?

So how am I going to move from 50% to 75% to someday 95% in the areas of relationships, health and faith?  I think the first step is to take a hard look at where I am currently spending (and wasting) time in each of these areas. 

When could I be truly present with my family and those important to me yet I am distracted by my phone, a magazine or the news?  What message am I unintentionally sending to those I care about in these moments?  I know how I feel in the moment when I am trying to spend time with someone who only wants to focus on Twitter or Facebook.  It hurts that they appear to care more about cyber world than the world waiting for them if they would just put down the phone.  I am ashamed and embarrassed that I have done this to others, my kids and Todd especially.

Why is it that I can tell you what happened this week on “My 90 day fiancé” (have you seen this show?!?!?!  My new guilty pleasure!!) and “Sister Wives” but I couldn’t make time to move, stretch and breath?

Why have I taken more time this week to think about what CNN has to say about conditions in Sochi and impending charges against the Biebs than I have taken to think about how to deepen my faith?

Some questions I need to explore.  I doubt I will be very proud of the answers.

I wonder if others look at my life and see areas of unused resources, ground yet unexplored and opportunity wasted?  I want to be an example of "well done!" not "what a waste!" If this is the case, I hope you will tell me. (In a kind and loving manner, this is not your open invitation to unload all the mean things you’ve thought about me since kindergarten.)   

And if you think about your own life and where you can move from 30% or 50% to taking better advantage of what you have been given, how can I help?  What areas do you have to explore?  What is keeping you from doing so?  Care to share?

The cold weather is in the forecast for the next few days.  I plan to make the most of this forced stillness.  I appreciate this time of year. 

I also appreciate you, for hanging out with me at the banana stand J

who are the people in your neighborhood?

Snow and cold temps has resulted in a lot of time with cozy blankets, fires and cuddling.  That also leads to a lot of time for silent reflection and opportunity to rewrite some mental scripts.  I know many complain about this weather, but I am always thankful for the forced opportunity to hibernate and refuel.

Meg loves to watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  As I type the theme of the cartoon has just been sung.  It is catchy and it always reminds me of the show that began Daniel Tiger many years ago... Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.  I learned many lessons from Fred Roger's in my life and always enjoyed my daily 6 year old binge tv watching... which in the late 70's included Mr. Rogers followed by Sesame Street on a tv with 13 dial channels and foil on the antenna to help pbs shows look a little clearer.  We were high tech....

I fully admit that my love of Sesame Street and all things Muppets continues today.  In fact they continue to teach me lessons, even at 40...

Remember the song "Who are the people in your neighborhood?  In your neighborhood?  In your neigh-bor-hood?  Who are the people in your neighborhood? The people that you meet each day"  I've been thinking about that song and those questions this week.  Not so much my physical neighborhood, because I have no control over who lives in the house down the street, but the neighborhood of support we build for ourselves.  Who are the people in the personal "communities" we build for ourselves?  For those communities we have complete control as to who is occupying the "house down the street" because it is based of who we let in or kick out...

Here is what lead me to think about all this in the last week.  My inspiration came from a guy named Dan who I graduated from High School with.  

I have talked a little bit about High School in my post the days I met my monster and, specifically, about a classmate I spent years trying to avoid.  This particular guy had a last name in the second part of the alphabet and because we were always seated A-Z and I had an M  I was always sort of in the middle part of the room. Kid I was trying to avoid to my left, Dan has a last name that starts with H, so he was always somewhere to my right.

Let me tell you a little bit about Dan (no names have been changed).  Dan was a tennis player.  He had blonde hair that was always perfectly in place, a smile that went on for days and always looked like he walked out of some catalogue and into the halls of North Catholic.  He was extremely good looking and I remember once, on a freshman ski trip to 7 Springs, he told me of his love for Alyssa Milano.  I remember thinking "she would love you too, she'd be crazy not to".  Dan was very cute by every standard that mattered.  It wasn't his outward appearance that was his best quality though, it was his genuine personality and charm.  As I type this I am not sure I can remember what lunch table Dan sat at (the defining characteristic of what "clique" you belonged to in HS) because the guy was friends with everyone.  I mean everyone.  I think that is what made his so endearing.  He could have easily been a guy who thought a LOT of himself, yet none of this ever went to his perfectly coifed head. 

Dan and I both went to Penn State but on a campus of 40,000 plus rarely crossed paths.  That was in the age of no cell phones, community computer labs and no facebook, so I lost touch with him for many years after graduation.  I remember reconnecting on facebook a few years ago and seeing pictures of a beautiful wife and an announcement of a growing family.  I wasn't certain he'd even remember me, but was thankful for the glimpse facebook provides into the lives of long lost classmates. 

When Miss You Can Do It came out last summer Dan sent me a message of support and encouragement, saying how much he enjoyed the movie and what a beautiful family we have.  He's commented several times on posts throughout the last few years.  Last week he commented about my blog and how much he could relate to how much our lives revolve around food.  I was humbled that this perfect guy from high school not only took the time to read it, but respond in a way that built connections.

Then it occurred to me.  All those years in High School, all those years of trying to avoid the left side of the room with the second half of the alphabet in an effort to avoid 1 person... why didn't I just use that energy to shift in my seat and focus on the friendships to my right?  Some many incredible people were there the entire time.  I think because I was living out of fear of what could happen (more insults).  It also occurred to me that in avoiding a whole section of a room because of 1 person I also limited the opportunities I had to build friendships with many.  (Okay, to be clear, I didn't avoid the whole section of the "room" in the literal sense... I had lost of friends with M-Z last names.  Talking bigger picture here of how small fears/hurts can have bigger consequences if we let them.)

I heard a quote once that said "Holding on to a grudge is like allowing the person you dislike the most to live rent free in your head."  

Rent free in my head.

For years I have been giving away space in the mental neighborhood I have built.  Not necessarily to this guy from HS specifically (okay maybe I gave him a small studio with limited windows and no central a/c) but to people who have hurt me along the way.  I realize now that ANY space I give the negative limits the space I can give to people who bring the positive.  

One thing I am very aware of is that I have incredible friends.  Better friends than any one person deserves.  And many of them.  The blessings I have been given through friendship is something I give thanks for each day.  I am humbled by the outpouring of love these people, men and women, old and young, bring to me each day.  But when I hold on to the negative in either memories or continued relationships with people who only bring me down, it takes away from my time, energy and ability to give more to people who deserve it.  

So I am cleaning house - some people are moving on up to deluxe apartments in the sky, some people (or memories) are moving on out.   They are being evicted.  You have 24 hours to vacate and you will not get your security deposit.  I am using that money for a party celebrating no more giving away of space out of hurt and held grudges.  

I am not talking bigger picture here, I like to have reason to have parties... who wants to join me!?!?

And Dan, the other thing I have learned from you is that we never know the difference we are making to someone by simply being a friend.  I am thankful for you.