who are the people in your neighborhood?

Snow and cold temps has resulted in a lot of time with cozy blankets, fires and cuddling.  That also leads to a lot of time for silent reflection and opportunity to rewrite some mental scripts.  I know many complain about this weather, but I am always thankful for the forced opportunity to hibernate and refuel.

Meg loves to watch Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.  As I type the theme of the cartoon has just been sung.  It is catchy and it always reminds me of the show that began Daniel Tiger many years ago... Mr. Roger's Neighborhood.  I learned many lessons from Fred Roger's in my life and always enjoyed my daily 6 year old binge tv watching... which in the late 70's included Mr. Rogers followed by Sesame Street on a tv with 13 dial channels and foil on the antenna to help pbs shows look a little clearer.  We were high tech....

I fully admit that my love of Sesame Street and all things Muppets continues today.  In fact they continue to teach me lessons, even at 40...

Remember the song "Who are the people in your neighborhood?  In your neighborhood?  In your neigh-bor-hood?  Who are the people in your neighborhood? The people that you meet each day"  I've been thinking about that song and those questions this week.  Not so much my physical neighborhood, because I have no control over who lives in the house down the street, but the neighborhood of support we build for ourselves.  Who are the people in the personal "communities" we build for ourselves?  For those communities we have complete control as to who is occupying the "house down the street" because it is based of who we let in or kick out...

Here is what lead me to think about all this in the last week.  My inspiration came from a guy named Dan who I graduated from High School with.  

I have talked a little bit about High School in my post the days I met my monster and, specifically, about a classmate I spent years trying to avoid.  This particular guy had a last name in the second part of the alphabet and because we were always seated A-Z and I had an M  I was always sort of in the middle part of the room. Kid I was trying to avoid to my left, Dan has a last name that starts with H, so he was always somewhere to my right.

Let me tell you a little bit about Dan (no names have been changed).  Dan was a tennis player.  He had blonde hair that was always perfectly in place, a smile that went on for days and always looked like he walked out of some catalogue and into the halls of North Catholic.  He was extremely good looking and I remember once, on a freshman ski trip to 7 Springs, he told me of his love for Alyssa Milano.  I remember thinking "she would love you too, she'd be crazy not to".  Dan was very cute by every standard that mattered.  It wasn't his outward appearance that was his best quality though, it was his genuine personality and charm.  As I type this I am not sure I can remember what lunch table Dan sat at (the defining characteristic of what "clique" you belonged to in HS) because the guy was friends with everyone.  I mean everyone.  I think that is what made his so endearing.  He could have easily been a guy who thought a LOT of himself, yet none of this ever went to his perfectly coifed head. 

Dan and I both went to Penn State but on a campus of 40,000 plus rarely crossed paths.  That was in the age of no cell phones, community computer labs and no facebook, so I lost touch with him for many years after graduation.  I remember reconnecting on facebook a few years ago and seeing pictures of a beautiful wife and an announcement of a growing family.  I wasn't certain he'd even remember me, but was thankful for the glimpse facebook provides into the lives of long lost classmates. 

When Miss You Can Do It came out last summer Dan sent me a message of support and encouragement, saying how much he enjoyed the movie and what a beautiful family we have.  He's commented several times on posts throughout the last few years.  Last week he commented about my blog and how much he could relate to how much our lives revolve around food.  I was humbled that this perfect guy from high school not only took the time to read it, but respond in a way that built connections.

Then it occurred to me.  All those years in High School, all those years of trying to avoid the left side of the room with the second half of the alphabet in an effort to avoid 1 person... why didn't I just use that energy to shift in my seat and focus on the friendships to my right?  Some many incredible people were there the entire time.  I think because I was living out of fear of what could happen (more insults).  It also occurred to me that in avoiding a whole section of a room because of 1 person I also limited the opportunities I had to build friendships with many.  (Okay, to be clear, I didn't avoid the whole section of the "room" in the literal sense... I had lost of friends with M-Z last names.  Talking bigger picture here of how small fears/hurts can have bigger consequences if we let them.)

I heard a quote once that said "Holding on to a grudge is like allowing the person you dislike the most to live rent free in your head."  

Rent free in my head.

For years I have been giving away space in the mental neighborhood I have built.  Not necessarily to this guy from HS specifically (okay maybe I gave him a small studio with limited windows and no central a/c) but to people who have hurt me along the way.  I realize now that ANY space I give the negative limits the space I can give to people who bring the positive.  

One thing I am very aware of is that I have incredible friends.  Better friends than any one person deserves.  And many of them.  The blessings I have been given through friendship is something I give thanks for each day.  I am humbled by the outpouring of love these people, men and women, old and young, bring to me each day.  But when I hold on to the negative in either memories or continued relationships with people who only bring me down, it takes away from my time, energy and ability to give more to people who deserve it.  

So I am cleaning house - some people are moving on up to deluxe apartments in the sky, some people (or memories) are moving on out.   They are being evicted.  You have 24 hours to vacate and you will not get your security deposit.  I am using that money for a party celebrating no more giving away of space out of hurt and held grudges.  

I am not talking bigger picture here, I like to have reason to have parties... who wants to join me!?!?

And Dan, the other thing I have learned from you is that we never know the difference we are making to someone by simply being a friend.  I am thankful for you.